Embarrassing bodies

The Embarrassing Bodies clinic is coming to a town near you.

Do you have a pus filled knob and have been too stupid to visit you doctor with your condition?
Do you want to have Dr Christian wave your tallywhacker around on national TV?
Do you want your friends and colleagues laugh about the size of your genitalia?

If so, why not visit the Embarrassing Bodies clinic. 

There's no shame, we are all the same. Apart from you. You're weird.

Weirdo.

 

Mr Magoo

Apparently I need glasses. This has been pointed out to me by various people over the last 10 years, but I am still living in denial.

A couple of months ago I misread the sign outside Burger King and thought that they were selling a 4 cheese Anus Burger. To be honest though, I wouldn't be surprised if there was some anus in most beefburgers.

The other problem is failing to recognise people, even if they are waving frantically at me from 2 yards away. This however I put down to the fact that I am normally drunk.

Quite often I will wave at complete strangers certain that the blurred image of their face is that of somebody I know - at least I am getting to meet new people that way.

Sure, glasses make some people look funky or intellectual. But they make me look old and blind - a look that I am really not going for.

I will carry on for now squinting for now, safe in the knowledge that my unframed face looks more youthful and less geeky (well, that's what I am going to keep telling myself)!

Brown Bin

The older I get, the less tolerent I get about other people - particularly bureaucrats who are not capable of doing their jobs properly.

I will admit, as will other people, that I have always been prone to the odd rant. I will also admit to having to occasional tantrum (as my kicked rucksack at Colchester station will testify after we missed the last train home). I like to think however that now I am approaching my 40's, that my temper has mellowed somewhat and that I am, for the most part, a much calmer and more collected individual than I was in the past.
Why then, do other people have this habit of trying to ruin my calm persona and piss me off on a regular basis?
In this particular case, after lovingly putting my garden waste bin in my driveway and the council missing the collection, it didn't seem at first glance to be a major problem. I e-mailed them and asked if there was anyway that they could come back and collect it?
The response was "our bin loaders say that you didn't bother putting your bin out, and therefore we will not come back to collect it."
Now, I can cope for an extra couple of weeks with having a full bin. This is not a major problem. But being basically told that I am lying by several managers in the council seriously ticks me off!
I eventually had an apology 'we are sorry that you feel our service has let you down'. Thanks for apologising about my hurt feelings - how about apologising for your staff not doing their jobs properly!!
My only solution to this is to have a rant to you, dear readers, and hope that the rapid typing and venting of anger on my laptop keyboard will make me feel better.

Do you know - I think it has actually done the trick!

Work is the curse of the drinking class - Oscar Wilde

OK - I am now rapidly approaching the big 40 and have started to ponder life in general. For example, work.
Lets be clear - I don't mind my job and the people I work with are great. But the whole process of work is generally tedious.
Why do I need to work - because I like money - very, very much.
Now, there is one possible solution to this. It's called the National lottery. Currently the Euromillions jackpot is £117 million. All I need to do is buy the winning ticket. The odds of winning are only 1 in 76,275,360. This means that the chances of me winning are almost a dead certainty.
Personally, I think that having £117 squillions would be a little bit excessive. It would be nice to throw a million here and there to various friends - I can imagine the conversation being something like "Fancy coming for a weekend to St Tropez - Oh by the way, have a million pounds spending money". 
A million pounds would probably be enough for me to retire on.

So here is the solution....

All I need is for you, dear reader, to send me £1. Then forward the details of this blog on to 10 friends and get them to do the same thing - my problems are then solved and you will be safe in the knowledge that you are forever my best mate (you and the other 999,999 people like you).